So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
