Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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