mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
