u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
