The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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