You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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