I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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