I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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