my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize