Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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