Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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