According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
