Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
