the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
