Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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