Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
