I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
