I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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