The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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