my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
