my phone needs a breathalizer
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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