How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize