I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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