She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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