and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
