I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
