Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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