I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
