somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
