I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
