I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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