addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
