I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
