i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
