Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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