guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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