I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
