I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
