I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
