there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
