he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Randomize
