he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
