Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
