This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize