I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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