i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
