Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
