don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
