yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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