The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
