theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
