Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
