I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
