i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
