I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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