if you like me you must not know who I am
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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