Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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