i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
