this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
