New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did I show you my penis last night?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
