Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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