god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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