I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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